don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
i smell a pulitzer
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.