Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
i smell a pulitzer
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
#Caturday
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
In case you needed to hear it:
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding