Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
You Might Also Like
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*