ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
is this a threat
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.