Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.