Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
crochet youtube is brutal
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
One of the best
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?