“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Google assistant rules
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*offers Batman cough drops*
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.