[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You Might Also Like
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.