Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?