“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smuckerâs jar, Iâd have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Tik Toks be like hereâs a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: đ
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: đ
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: đ¤¨
Facial recognition: no
Me: đ
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: đĽ´
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasnât even close to five secondsâŚyou can still eat that
Why are mobs always âangry mobsâ?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Just gonna drink light beers today because I donât wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
emergency phone
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike