Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!