I think the cat got the dog high.
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies