Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
What kind of a cult is this?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Well, that didn’t work.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list