Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.