[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…