Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Tell me you get it…🤣
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Pikachu found the lost joint
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”