They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.