wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.