What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard