Brands during Pride
You Might Also Like
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Ape together strong
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Fiction has to make sense.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]