Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
real
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.