I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Straight people are cancelled
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
How can I say no to this ?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.