Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?