Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
You Might Also Like
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.