I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.