If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.