My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”