Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.