“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don鈥檛 take it personally
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: I鈥檓 so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it鈥檚 under.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 馃槈
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I thought my house was falling down but it鈥檚 just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario