British people be like I’m Bri ish
You Might Also Like
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Still my favourite meme.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.