Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Dishonest mechanic?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.