Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I occasionally drink every single night.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.