just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*