My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Bring back the McRib
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone