nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*