If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.