Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
What about second breakfast?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.