Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
oh you wanna fight?!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT