RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
You Might Also Like
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My last name is Zilla.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
goldfish mafia
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant