I only say stupid things when I talk.
You Might Also Like
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.