There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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no cat here
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.