NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often