Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
it was love at first sight
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Received some very disappointing news today
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.