My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Watermelon Boss!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.