I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Oh thanks BBC.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.