Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”