Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!