The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I bet
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.