pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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WHO DID THIS?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
He’s cranky this morning
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.