Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
A double negative is a big no-no.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table